Truthfully... I can never be myself when I'm with you. You always try to change me and you keep on telling me that it's for my own good. Do I need to be what I'm not just to be with you?

I've never been confused about what I want and what I am. I've accepted myself as is. And, I accepted you for who and what you are. Why can't you accept that I'm like this? I'm ambitious. I'm career-oriented. I love my family and I want to support my family as much as I can like I support yours. I rarely missed any events that your family had whether I was invited or not.

You'll probably think that I'm not like this before. Of course, I wasn't because I had less responsibilities in the past. You'd also probably say that I don't share my problems with you. You know what, I wouldn't for two reasons: 1) Because I'd be able to handle them on my own; and 2) Because I don't wanna burden you. And, most of the time, when I share my problems with you, you'd say I'm O.A. and I don't need that.

You said: "I'm not going to be the one to fill in your time. I'm not gonna be your Sunday after your family day. Nor will I be your Saturday after your team breakfast. I will not be the next best thing to your work."

My family's important to me. I also need to spend time with my new team so I can get to know them as this is a new job. But, you know what? Even if I say so, you wouldn't understand. You'd probably bring up PSG. The PSG peeps also want to spend time with you but you don't want to.

And, about you being a time-filler? WTF... I try to call you every chance I get. When I tell you I miss you, I mean it whole-heartedly and I feel bad when I so miss you and I'm too tired to go to your house. You have all the time in the world at this point to do your part by paying me a visit so I wouldn't have to drive all the way up there. But, what do you tell me? "It's not my role." Do I have to always be the one to make an effort so we can spend time?

Oh, and by the way, you are not the next best thing to my work. I work so I can make a living to support who I need to support and a big part of that was you. You may say that I dragged you all the way back to Manila just to be idle. I didn't mean for you to be idle. You're a person who's easy to get a job wherever. God may just be giving you more time to spend with your daughter until she's finally ready for you to go back to work. She needs your support now more than ever.

And, yes... I have an ambition. I don't want to be an OM or an SOM all my life. I'm not getting any younger and I'm not going to have any kids. And, I know I'll die early because I don't wanna grow old. So, career-wise, I definitely am in a hurry to achieve what I want to achieve. I can't even expect you to take care of me if ever I grow old because you wouldn't know how to. I also don't wanna grow old because I don't wanna burden anyone.

You said you know each and all of my explanations. No you don't. You will never understand because you want me to be someone that I'm not. If you cannot accept me for who and what I am then this is really it. I'd rather be alone.

Somehow, although you've blocked me out of all channels, I'm sure this message will get to you. Goodbye and good luck to you, too. There's no doubt in my heart that I loved you with all my heart, soul and mind.

Gahd... This is definitely a trend... I don't really write unless I'm feeling sad. It's very seldom that I write about happiness. Right now, I'm just fucked up. I wouldn't really get busy until I get to work tonight. Right now, I'm just killing time by drinking and writing. So let me tell you the story.

I started a new job with one of the largest BPOs in the country on 28-Sep. I'm barely two weeks old in the company and have been very busy since I started. On my very first day, I had to take a double-shift so I could have an overview of the company's HR policies and procedures. That same day, product training also started and that was something that I really couldn't miss. Besides, I had a client visit on my very first day and I had to put my best foot forward. So yeah... I've been very busy. While that's going on, my partner is in between jobs. Idle, in other words. I know very well that I'm not giving her the attention that she needs right now but it's simply because I couldn't. With the two typhoons that hit Manila, I also had to confine myself at home instead of getting stranded somewhere. We only saw each other once (Sunday last week). I joined her family in the Bar Salubong along Taft. I didn't wanna impose but I asked her if she needed to go home. I really wanted to spend time with her even if it was just for a day. She said she couldn't because her daughter was going back to school the following day. And so, after the event, I just went home.

Last Tuesday, I did my usual routine of calling my partner while on my way home. She didn't pick up... probably still asleep... I called her again at noon... didn't pick up... Finally, I got a hold of her at 4pm. I asked her if she missed me. She answered: "No." Wow... That hit me hard. I hung up on her and just went to sleep. She texted me a few minutes after saying: "And I'm supposed to feel good that you called me at 4 and at 10 and at 11? I'm just your schedule filler when you're not working. Tapos you're gonna ask if I miss you, boy you are unfair." I didn't reply.

That night, with a lot going on in the office with my launch and all the technical issues, I received another text message from her:

"I'm not going to be the one to fill in your time. I'm not gonna be your Sunday after your family day. Nor will I be your Saturday after your team breakfast. I will not be the next best thing to your work. I'm not gonna be shoved away when I want to be a part of your life even when you're facing a problem. I'm not made for that set up. If you want, you can look for someone who fits your lifestyle but I also need one who can fit mine. I don't think you can handle break ups face to face. I know I haven't even finished my piece yet you'd walk out and drive away like a mad man. So I'm just sending this to you the best passive way possible. I know each and all of your explanations, so I don't need your reply. I'm done, goodbye and good luck."

I didn't reply. She said she didn't need it. I just decided to shut up. I cannot really talk to anyone about what's going on in my head and how I'm really feeling. The demons in my head are killing me. Last night I wanted to go out but the only invitation I had was near her place and I didn't wanna be tempted to see her. I just drowned myself in alcohol till I was exhausted and sleepy.

Today, I woke up still feeling empty and gahd, I woke up early. The sun wasn't even out yet. I had breakfast and started drinking again with the hope that I'd get sleepy early. I cannot be idle otherwise, I'd go crazy. I haven't even cried over this. I guess I just need to let it out.

I remember asking her last week to come see me. She said that she thought about that way before she asked me. But she said it isn't her role. Why do I always have to be the one to run after her? Why can't she make a small effort to come to me? Another week has started. I will be busy again tonight. Hopefully, I won't be thinking about her.

I just need to rest... sleep... not think of anything. God, give me the grace to do so.

Good Morning....

When I woke up today, I found a missed call from Elizabeth on my phone.  We're supposed to hang out tomorrow as planned.  I really wanna watch a movie.  Up until now, I haven't seen Wolverine.  But then, it looks like things are changing again.  The conversation turned out into a spat.  Geez... we haven't really gotten back together and it looks like it's worse now.

You see, last week, my mom and I went house-hunting and we found this house in Dona Juana in Pasig.  It's like two minutes away from my condo.  I fell in love with it and it's a place that I'd wanna spend the rest of my life with.  It's called Garnet Villas.  It's one of 5 townhouses that are totally alike.It's three stories high with three bedrooms and two T/B.  Please bare with the photo because I only used my phone.  

In February, I moved out of our house in Valle Verde 1 because my evil Aunts are coming over for a visit from the U.S. and Spain.  Our Valle Verde 1 home is basically where we all grew up.  Since I hated my Aunts, I really didn't wanna see them during their two months' stay here so I decided to move out which explains why I live in a condominium now.  For Elizabeth, it was a bad decision for me to move into a condo with my dog and my best friend.  It was definitely an impulsive move but wew really didn't have time.  We left the Valle home a week from their arrival date.  That's right, we adopted my best fried into our family.  She has been an orphan since after college and being with my family was the biggest blessing in her life.  I was not going to ditch her just like that, you know.  So we decided to move in to this condo together.  She's not the type who can live alone and it was just right for us to move in together.  But, Elizabeth thought otherwise.  

A week after we moved in to the condo, she bought a lot in Taguig for reasons that I couldn't understand and saw as her way of getting back at me.  When Elizabeth and Crystal planned about the house to build on that 250 sq. m. lot, I really was not part of it.  They were planning about their rooms and they even drew these on paper.  They were telling me about it and I was completely out of the picture.  How would anyone expect me to feel good about that?  I was originally not part of the plan and I was simply left out but I just let it pass.  Talks about that lot came up again and at that time, they included me in the picture.  I did volunteer to be the one to spend in putting up the house but it was like 99% against my will due to a lot of repercussions along the way.  I knew that there would be numerous questions around us putting up that house.  I knew that it was going to be unwanted by her family and mine.  For the past months, I tried to convince myself that it was feasible.  I lost myself sometimes into thinking that she can easily throw me out when we fight because that house would be built on her lot.  

When we broke up for the nth time two weeks ago, I thought that it would only make sense for me to buy my own house.  A house that I can be comfortable living in and a house where I can take them both in.  My parents are migrating in a few months to the U.S. and I would definitely need a home of my own.  Valle is not an option anymore with my Aunts meddling.  I did not see Taguig as an option.  I'm supposed to be the man in this relationship and it is but right for me to put a roof over Elizabeth and Crystal (if there still is a relationship), not the other way around.  I'm not getting any younger and truthfully, I can feel my body aging.  I have to do this now, otherwise I wouldn't be able to in the future.  And now I found this house, she's telling me that I'm doing this to get back at her.  WTF?????????

99% of my brain cells are telling me that this should just stop.  I love her with all my heart and soul but this is just ridiculous.  I am not happy right now and I don't see myself being happy in the future with her.

Melancholy

Yesterday, before I went to bed, I messaged Elizabeth asking how she is.  I just miss her so badly.  Yes, there's that element where I can do whatever I have been holding myself from doing like watching movies and buying what I want to buy.  Aside from clothes and shoes, I actually wanna buy a house (which I've already found) and a truck which I've wanted for the longest time.  I know that I can stretch myself into buying both at the same time.  It's all a matter of getting that chance to buy them RIGHT NOW.  Right now when I'm free... 

I've always wanted to buy a house and a Toyota Hilux.  I've just been having second thoughts and a second decision that's why I never had the chance to really do it.  Aside from the feeling of being free from tdoing everything that I want, I also have this feeling that I want her back.  

Yesterday, I sent Elizabeth a message asking how she was and she said that she's good.  I tried to strike up a conversation about how she really is.  She eventually told me about her interviews and where she's at right now with those interviews.  Her actually answering my questions and not shutting me out by saying, "What do you care?"  It was definitely something else.  She was able to tell me specifically what was going on with all of her job applications.  I'm genuinely excited for her except that these companies are not offering her what she definitely deserves.  Based from experience, I so know how she performs and she's really something else.  She was my supervisor when I started with ICT and she was definitely someone I looked up to.  How she is as a boss made me fall in love with her.  Up until now, I have to admit, I'm still very much in love with her.  I may seem selfish but at some days, I'd really wanna have her all to myself.  We do not get to spend much quality time and whatever chance I get, I'd take it.  

It is not true that I love JDee more than her daughter.  JDee may have all my attention and it's all because I live with him.  He's my source of sanity and happiness.  He manages to cheer me up in my bottom moments.  Still, that would not compare to an actual person's comfort.  I love Elizabeth with all my heart and I love Crystal like my own daughter.  I'm not sure why that's hard to understand.  

But, gahd, I do miss Elizabeth so badly and I only wish to hold her tight in my arms once again...  

BPI, C. Raymundo Branch

In my previous blog, I mentioned that I reached out to Crystal.  I asked her what's new and she said that she's playing a new game on Facebook.  Then she started telling me that she's all worried because she doesn't have the book entitled Because of Winn-Dixie.  I remember Elizabeth having such a hard time looking for this book and I've been asking for the title but she never gave it to me.  It was only when I was able to chat with Crystal that I found out what the book title is.  I immediately went on ebay and bought it right there and then.  She needed the book so badly because she has a summer book report homework that she needs to submit when school starts.  

There a couple of payment options and I chose BPI because there's a branch a block away from my pad.  I've been meaning to open a savings account there and I thought that maybe I can do it all together too.  After standing in line for maybe 15 minutes to pay for the book, I proceeded to the new accounts section and asked for bank forms.  I was surprised to receive a sarcastic treatment from the BPI employee.  To think I was as nice as I can be and dressed respectably.  Because of that, I will not set foot in that BPI branch again.  I'd rather go all the way to my banks in Silver City where I'm treated like royalty and I'm pertaining to UCPB and BDO.  There's also a BPI there.  I'll check that out one of these days.  If the service is good then I would invest.  If not, forget about it.

Today's Realization

While at work, I went down for a smoke today with one of my Recruiters who's also Elizabeth's friend.  He told me that he was chatting with her earlier and she said that a big factor right now with what's going on is the fact that she's out of work and if I cannot be with her right now given her situation, she doesn't wanna be with me at all in all other events in her life.

That was a tough one.  I actually know what she's going through.  She's now on her third month without work and I'm not there to support her nor to listen to her.  She makes a lot of sense.  Truthfully, my heart is melting.  I don't know what to do.

I did try to reach out today to Crystal and I texted Elizabeth today, too.  I'm really feeling sad.  

Angels & Demons

I finally got around to watching Angels & Demons.  Actually, I was planning on watching this with Elizabeth.  She told me last week that we should watch a movie over the weekend and I said yey!  Truthfully, I forgot the last time I watched a movie.  I even forgot what that movie was.  It has literally been that long a time!  Plans changed when we broke up.  I went alone.

So yeah... I dropped off JDee at my mom's house then my mom hitched a ride with me.  I dropped her off at Robinson's Galleria and I went straight to Megamall.  I parked at the 4th level and went straight to the movie ticket booth to buy myself a ticket to a single screening of Angels & Demons airing at 11:30 AM.  It was only 11:15 at the time.  I had a few minutes to pick up the three pairs of slacks I bought from G2000 yesterday that I had repaired at Heel Sew Quik at the lower ground level of Mega A.  I just grabbed it real quick then I headed straight to Cinema 6.  I was able to catch a glimpse of "The Taking of Pelham 123" and it seems like another movie to look forward to.  And then... Angels & Demons started...

The movie stars Tom Hanks, Ewan McGregor and Ayelet Zurer.  I've read the book maybe twice and from what I remember, the movie seems a lot different from the book.  I remember how critical Vittoria's role is in the book and I didn't see that realized in the movie.  There were a lot of other things left out, too but the movie came out really nice still.  By nice, I mean that the Catholic Church really wouldn't have any qualms about this movie.  If you haven't watched it, that's for me to know and for you to find out why.