I started a new job with one of the largest BPOs in the country on 28-Sep. I'm barely two weeks old in the company and have been very busy since I started. On my very first day, I had to take a double-shift so I could have an overview of the company's HR policies and procedures. That same day, product training also started and that was something that I really couldn't miss. Besides, I had a client visit on my very first day and I had to put my best foot forward. So yeah... I've been very busy. While that's going on, my partner is in between jobs. Idle, in other words. I know very well that I'm not giving her the attention that she needs right now but it's simply because I couldn't. With the two typhoons that hit Manila, I also had to confine myself at home instead of getting stranded somewhere. We only saw each other once (Sunday last week). I joined her family in the Bar Salubong along Taft. I didn't wanna impose but I asked her if she needed to go home. I really wanted to spend time with her even if it was just for a day. She said she couldn't because her daughter was going back to school the following day. And so, after the event, I just went home.
Last Tuesday, I did my usual routine of calling my partner while on my way home. She didn't pick up... probably still asleep... I called her again at noon... didn't pick up... Finally, I got a hold of her at 4pm. I asked her if she missed me. She answered: "No." Wow... That hit me hard. I hung up on her and just went to sleep. She texted me a few minutes after saying: "And I'm supposed to feel good that you called me at 4 and at 10 and at 11? I'm just your schedule filler when you're not working. Tapos you're gonna ask if I miss you, boy you are unfair." I didn't reply.
That night, with a lot going on in the office with my launch and all the technical issues, I received another text message from her:
"I'm not going to be the one to fill in your time. I'm not gonna be your Sunday after your family day. Nor will I be your Saturday after your team breakfast. I will not be the next best thing to your work. I'm not gonna be shoved away when I want to be a part of your life even when you're facing a problem. I'm not made for that set up. If you want, you can look for someone who fits your lifestyle but I also need one who can fit mine. I don't think you can handle break ups face to face. I know I haven't even finished my piece yet you'd walk out and drive away like a mad man. So I'm just sending this to you the best passive way possible. I know each and all of your explanations, so I don't need your reply. I'm done, goodbye and good luck."
I didn't reply. She said she didn't need it. I just decided to shut up. I cannot really talk to anyone about what's going on in my head and how I'm really feeling. The demons in my head are killing me. Last night I wanted to go out but the only invitation I had was near her place and I didn't wanna be tempted to see her. I just drowned myself in alcohol till I was exhausted and sleepy.
Today, I woke up still feeling empty and gahd, I woke up early. The sun wasn't even out yet. I had breakfast and started drinking again with the hope that I'd get sleepy early. I cannot be idle otherwise, I'd go crazy. I haven't even cried over this. I guess I just need to let it out.
I remember asking her last week to come see me. She said that she thought about that way before she asked me. But she said it isn't her role. Why do I always have to be the one to run after her? Why can't she make a small effort to come to me? Another week has started. I will be busy again tonight. Hopefully, I won't be thinking about her.
I just need to rest... sleep... not think of anything. God, give me the grace to do so.
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