Truthfully... I can never be myself when I'm with you. You always try to change me and you keep on telling me that it's for my own good. Do I need to be what I'm not just to be with you?

I've never been confused about what I want and what I am. I've accepted myself as is. And, I accepted you for who and what you are. Why can't you accept that I'm like this? I'm ambitious. I'm career-oriented. I love my family and I want to support my family as much as I can like I support yours. I rarely missed any events that your family had whether I was invited or not.

You'll probably think that I'm not like this before. Of course, I wasn't because I had less responsibilities in the past. You'd also probably say that I don't share my problems with you. You know what, I wouldn't for two reasons: 1) Because I'd be able to handle them on my own; and 2) Because I don't wanna burden you. And, most of the time, when I share my problems with you, you'd say I'm O.A. and I don't need that.

You said: "I'm not going to be the one to fill in your time. I'm not gonna be your Sunday after your family day. Nor will I be your Saturday after your team breakfast. I will not be the next best thing to your work."

My family's important to me. I also need to spend time with my new team so I can get to know them as this is a new job. But, you know what? Even if I say so, you wouldn't understand. You'd probably bring up PSG. The PSG peeps also want to spend time with you but you don't want to.

And, about you being a time-filler? WTF... I try to call you every chance I get. When I tell you I miss you, I mean it whole-heartedly and I feel bad when I so miss you and I'm too tired to go to your house. You have all the time in the world at this point to do your part by paying me a visit so I wouldn't have to drive all the way up there. But, what do you tell me? "It's not my role." Do I have to always be the one to make an effort so we can spend time?

Oh, and by the way, you are not the next best thing to my work. I work so I can make a living to support who I need to support and a big part of that was you. You may say that I dragged you all the way back to Manila just to be idle. I didn't mean for you to be idle. You're a person who's easy to get a job wherever. God may just be giving you more time to spend with your daughter until she's finally ready for you to go back to work. She needs your support now more than ever.

And, yes... I have an ambition. I don't want to be an OM or an SOM all my life. I'm not getting any younger and I'm not going to have any kids. And, I know I'll die early because I don't wanna grow old. So, career-wise, I definitely am in a hurry to achieve what I want to achieve. I can't even expect you to take care of me if ever I grow old because you wouldn't know how to. I also don't wanna grow old because I don't wanna burden anyone.

You said you know each and all of my explanations. No you don't. You will never understand because you want me to be someone that I'm not. If you cannot accept me for who and what I am then this is really it. I'd rather be alone.

Somehow, although you've blocked me out of all channels, I'm sure this message will get to you. Goodbye and good luck to you, too. There's no doubt in my heart that I loved you with all my heart, soul and mind.

Gahd... This is definitely a trend... I don't really write unless I'm feeling sad. It's very seldom that I write about happiness. Right now, I'm just fucked up. I wouldn't really get busy until I get to work tonight. Right now, I'm just killing time by drinking and writing. So let me tell you the story.

I started a new job with one of the largest BPOs in the country on 28-Sep. I'm barely two weeks old in the company and have been very busy since I started. On my very first day, I had to take a double-shift so I could have an overview of the company's HR policies and procedures. That same day, product training also started and that was something that I really couldn't miss. Besides, I had a client visit on my very first day and I had to put my best foot forward. So yeah... I've been very busy. While that's going on, my partner is in between jobs. Idle, in other words. I know very well that I'm not giving her the attention that she needs right now but it's simply because I couldn't. With the two typhoons that hit Manila, I also had to confine myself at home instead of getting stranded somewhere. We only saw each other once (Sunday last week). I joined her family in the Bar Salubong along Taft. I didn't wanna impose but I asked her if she needed to go home. I really wanted to spend time with her even if it was just for a day. She said she couldn't because her daughter was going back to school the following day. And so, after the event, I just went home.

Last Tuesday, I did my usual routine of calling my partner while on my way home. She didn't pick up... probably still asleep... I called her again at noon... didn't pick up... Finally, I got a hold of her at 4pm. I asked her if she missed me. She answered: "No." Wow... That hit me hard. I hung up on her and just went to sleep. She texted me a few minutes after saying: "And I'm supposed to feel good that you called me at 4 and at 10 and at 11? I'm just your schedule filler when you're not working. Tapos you're gonna ask if I miss you, boy you are unfair." I didn't reply.

That night, with a lot going on in the office with my launch and all the technical issues, I received another text message from her:

"I'm not going to be the one to fill in your time. I'm not gonna be your Sunday after your family day. Nor will I be your Saturday after your team breakfast. I will not be the next best thing to your work. I'm not gonna be shoved away when I want to be a part of your life even when you're facing a problem. I'm not made for that set up. If you want, you can look for someone who fits your lifestyle but I also need one who can fit mine. I don't think you can handle break ups face to face. I know I haven't even finished my piece yet you'd walk out and drive away like a mad man. So I'm just sending this to you the best passive way possible. I know each and all of your explanations, so I don't need your reply. I'm done, goodbye and good luck."

I didn't reply. She said she didn't need it. I just decided to shut up. I cannot really talk to anyone about what's going on in my head and how I'm really feeling. The demons in my head are killing me. Last night I wanted to go out but the only invitation I had was near her place and I didn't wanna be tempted to see her. I just drowned myself in alcohol till I was exhausted and sleepy.

Today, I woke up still feeling empty and gahd, I woke up early. The sun wasn't even out yet. I had breakfast and started drinking again with the hope that I'd get sleepy early. I cannot be idle otherwise, I'd go crazy. I haven't even cried over this. I guess I just need to let it out.

I remember asking her last week to come see me. She said that she thought about that way before she asked me. But she said it isn't her role. Why do I always have to be the one to run after her? Why can't she make a small effort to come to me? Another week has started. I will be busy again tonight. Hopefully, I won't be thinking about her.

I just need to rest... sleep... not think of anything. God, give me the grace to do so.